Konfounding Kwestions for Konservatives

Why do you oppose big government but think it is OK for government to restrict a woman’s right to choose whether, when, why, and with whom to have a baby?

How can you be pro-life but support the death penalty?

How can you be against government spending but in favor of limitless military spending?

How can you advocate family values but oppose paid maternity leave?

How can you be against government intrusion into people’s private lives and also OK with mass surveillance?

Why do you say you support the troops when you have never met a war you opposed?

Why are you so mad that the country’s most impoverished people pay no income tax yet praise a billionaire for doing the same?

How is it that you shout about individual liberty but don’t see anything wrong with mass incarceration?

Why do you blame unemployed people for not having jobs yet complain about immigrants taking your job?

Why do you complain about low-wage jobs and no-wage jobs yet support politicians who destroy unions?

Why do you preach rugged individualism and personal responsibility to minorities but blame them for your lack of prosperity?

Why do you talk about how much you value hard work but fawn over billionaires who have never done any?

How can you support a war to free women in Afghanistan and threaten to rape any woman who challenges you on Twitter?

The 10 Commandments, According to Donald Trump

  1. You shall worship no-one but me because I am wonderful . . . incredible . . . believe me, I am amazing.
  2. All idols must show just how amazingly large my testicles are. Amazingly large.
  3. You shall mention my name as often as possible.
  4. Forget the Sabbath. Only lazy people need rest.
  5. Honor your father for the small loan that allowed you to start your business. Your mother was a real dog.
  6. You shall not murder, unless you are murdering Muslims or ugly women.
  7. You shall not commit adultery with pigs, slobs, or disgusting women, especially when they are bleeding from their whatevers.
  8. You shall only steal from honest, hardworking carpenters and laborers.
  9. You shall not miss an opportunity to bear false witness against your neighbor, especially if your neighbor is Mexican. Or a Syrian refugee.
  10. You shall covet everything  because there is a gaping void in your chest where your humanity once was.