This is Not What the Bicycle Salespeople Meant When they Said, “You’re Going to Love this Bike.”

The BBC reports that a man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

“They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

“The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.”

Both cleaners, who were “extremely shocked”, told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: “In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a ‘cycle-sexualist’.”

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr.

I can’t even write anything witty or sarcastic about this story. I’m still in shock. Or is it befuddlement? Hard to say.


3 thoughts on “This is Not What the Bicycle Salespeople Meant When they Said, “You’re Going to Love this Bike.”

  1. What I want to know is, how did they know he was having sex with the bike? Maybe he was trying to polish it but he needed both hands to hold it steady? And what’s up with the probation? Is there a restraining order? Is he no longer allowed to go near his bike? What about other bikes? Can he still ride his bicycle (no pun intended)?

    Anyway, I agree that he was doing this in the privacy of his bedroom, so I don’t see what the big deal is. I don’t know how/why he was even arrested and charged. But can you imagine being the cleaners, trying to explain to the hostel manager what they had just seen? 🙂

    I would have just left and pretended I hadn’t seen any of it.


  2. while i was laughing hysterically, a lawyer colleague’s immediate response was, “but there’s no victim!”. and seriously, what is the big deal if he likes to do it with a bike? unless, of course, in his drunkenness mr. stewart had grossly misinterpreted the bicycle’s protestations…

    but more to the point, he was doing this in the privacy of his own home, not in “breach of a peace” which seems to imply a more public notion. he didn’t come to the cleaners with his bike and proceed to engage in the act, rather they walked in on him.

    shouldn’t the cleaners have just apologized and discreetly walked out, becoming a dinner party hit with a totally bizzarre story of a guy doing it with a bike? 😉


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