The Onion Deserves the Nostradamus Award for Prescience.


What? You say there’s no such thing as the Nostradamus Award for Prescience? Really? Well, somebody should create one immediately. Then they should present it to the people who write The Onion. For those of you unfamiliar with The Onion, it’s a faux newspaper that publishes fake, parody news.

I mean, I’m not normally a superstitious person but I have to admit that I have no other way to explain what I’m about to show you. I don’t know what kind of dark magic they have over there at Onion headquarters, but they must have some serious ju-ju going. Maybe they’ve got a team of seers or psychics or something working full time. Maybe they created a time machine and were able to send people into the future. Who knows! But for the love of all things good and decent, how else could they have known all this back in 2001?

WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that “our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.”

“My fellow Americans,” Bush said, “at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us.”

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

“You better believe we’re going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration,” said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. “Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?”

Read the rest of the article here.


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