During a recent appearance on CNBC’s “Big Ideas,” right-wing media darling Ann Coulter said a bunch of really ignorant stuff to host Donny Deutsch. But perhaps, none of her utterances was worse than this one:
“We [Christians] just want Jews to be perfected.”
A stunned Donny Deutch, himself a Jew, tried to give Coulter a way out by saying “Wow, you don’t really believe that, do you?” But the Aryan ice queen would not relent, stating that where getting to heaven is concerned, Christianity is “more like Federal Express.”
Well thank you, Ann, for pointing out the futility of my existence. I mean, since I’m not Christian, I guess I might as well come to terms with the fact that there’s no guarantee I’ll wind up in heaven. After all, if Christianity is like FedEx, non-Christianity must be like the regular postal service. Man, it looks like I’m doomed to take the long and circuitous route to heaven—assuming I don’t end up in an altogether different place. Everyone knows how unreliable the regular postal service is.
Boy, Christians are so lucky! I mean, they know they’re going to end up in heaven, unlike the rest of us poor souls who have no idea where we’ll end up. I guess because Christians like Ann Coulter are so certain they’re going to heaven, they don’t even need to be decent people here on earth. That probably explains why she recently had this to say about four women whose husbands had died in the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks: “I’ve never seen people enjoying their husbands’ deaths so much.” Come to think of it, this knowledge that Christians are ensured a place in heaven explains why so many of them don’t even bother living by the “Christian” principles they themselves so loudly proclaim. Take, for example, the virulently anti-gay Rev. Ted Haggard, who enjoyed performing oral sex on a male escort. And let’s not forget the pro–family values Senator from Idaho, Larry Craig, who was arrested in a men’s bathroom in the Minneapolis airport for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer.
Ann Coulter has really earned my gratitude for showing me the light. I generally wouldn’t trust a woman whose adam’s apple is bigger than mine but, since she makes such a compelling argument, I have to make an exception for her. I will run, not walk, to the nearest house of Christian worship to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.
Then again, if that means ending up in the same afterlife as Ann Coulter, I think I’ll take my chances with the other place.