The iPhone is a piece of sh*t.

I’m being lazy. Today’s blog is actually a comment posted by a reader in response to my earlier post about the iPhone. It’s by far one of the funniest things I’ve ever read and I just had to share. Now if only we can get this guy a blog of his own.

The iPhone is a piece of shit.

No, I’m not going to get an iPhone, quit emailing me about it. I’m not getting one because I already have a phone that’s better: it’s called the Nokia E70, it’s the pinnacle of human achievement, and I love it more than my family.

You’ve probably never heard of the E70 because Nokia’s marketing team is not busy finding every last dick in the universe to suck, so I’m going to do their job for them and tell you about this product. And no, I’m not being paid to do this. I’m just tired of the iPhone fanboys shooting huge sticky wads and high-fiving each other (literally) over their stupid cellphones.

First of all, the E70 has a full keyboard, not some shitty stripped down, tap-and-pray smudgy piece of shit. Nokia uses a technology that’s even more advanced than the iPhone’s tap screen, allowing you to actually feel the keys you press as you’re pressing them! The technology is called “tactile response,” and it allows you to do things like dial a phone number without staring at your screen like a shit-chucking ape. In fact, every other cellphone ever made has this technology, sometimes called “buttons.”

This keyboard will not only stomp your colon, but the colons of distant relatives of the human species such as lagomorphs, and hypothetical colons of children you haven’t even had yet. Want to type a backslash? No problem. Ampersand? You bet your ass. On an iPhone, you have to press an additional button that opens up an alternate keypad that will allow you to type numbers and punctuation. So typing something as simple as elipses (…) requires you to tap your finger 9 times. Enjoy your phone, losers! People like me who have shit to do will stick to a keyboard that doesn’t have its lips wrapped firmly around the user-interface equivalent of a throbbing dong.

When the iPhone was first announced, CEO Steve Jobs spewed enough BS to cover a football field full of babies 3 feet deep in bullshit, which sounds cool because he could have potentially murdered a football field full of babies, but he passed on this opportunity by introducing the phone instead. He claimed that the phone was three devices in one.

It’s not three devices in one any more than my laptop is, you morons.

Using Jobs’ loose definition of what constitutes a separate device, technically my laptop can be considered 8 devices in one:

A clock
A calculator
An “Internet communications device”
A phone (I can make voice calls with my modem)
A pornographic media storage device
A video player
A word processor
And an “iPod” (see below)

There’s no such thing as an iPod. The word “iPod” is a marketing tool for a hard drive with software that plays mp3s. Yeah, doesn’t sound so sexy now, does it, you chimps? And an “internet communications device” is officially the douchebaggiest way of saying “it has a browser.” So actually it’s just a phone that plays mp3s and has a browser. SNORE.

The Nokia E70 not only plays mp3s, video, has a full browser and Wi-Fi, IMAP and POP3 email, and Google Maps, but you can even run terminal software to telnet or SSH into remote servers. What that means in non-geek is that my phone is invincible. I can literally do anything. I can reboot my web server if I want to, and sometimes I do just because I can!

All of this power from a phone that’s over a year old, and it only costs $360.

There you have it: the most objective comparison of two cellphones ever made. I think I’ll take the rest of the afternoon off and copy and paste text on my cellphone because I can.


One thought on “The iPhone is a piece of sh*t.

  1. I’ve gotta be as honest as I can with you. I’ve been asked to start a blog before. And I seriously considered it. Until I realized that blog was commonly used in latin to mean boring. And that was 2000 years ago. Let’s think about it seriously and honestly. Most kids thought for at least a brief moment in time that they would be a writer with important things to say. I mean shit, I thought I’d be Indiana Jones before I settled the next week for ‘journalist’. To me, bloggers are types that never got over the fact that anyone with a degree knew their writing was crap, and can’t accept the fact that the more they write, the more they suck at it. It’s like…hey buddy, you majored in general education for a reason. You we’re never talented at anything. Just good enough to be average enough to get into a state college/liberal arts facility. I mean, what is liberal arts? It means…You’re really talented…at being average. But we’re going to accept you because good news!…you’re just liberal enough not to throw a temper tantrum about it. Because conservatives…annoying, loud, rich, and connected. We don’t want that here…but I digress…


    The thing about blogs that irritates me is the fact that they ALWAYS seem to follow the same exact layout as every other blog I’ve ever read. Is it an unspoken rule that every single blog must use a narrow miniscule text that fringes upon the left side of the page? Does every other word have to be highlighted so I may consider the wikipedia definition of nokia e70, or realize that the word ‘phone’ is a ‘colloqial term for telephone’. I mean after I get through ‘clicking’ on all the shit you’ve highighted, I’ve forgotten what the hell I started reading in the first place. I start thinking, that flashing vortex in the top right of the screen is my only way out! Damn! It’s the link to his best friends blog!

    The really unfortunate part is that once in a while a blogger will get mentioned on MSN or some other horrible ‘free press’ establishment. If you thought it was impossible for a blog type to get more pious than he was, wait until you see the shit storm of self righteous save the world bullshit after a network plug. Suddenly the non descript, mild mannered blogger you once knew will turn into our savior, and will single handedly take it upon herself to end world hunger with her stupid links to band websites and other smug blogger dipshits. Not to mention the mandatory 3 gigs of political banners and causes that feel so good to write about from behind your lap top at 11am. With a warm cup’ o coffee’ and a cigarrette in your right hand.

    And then, once you have built up your blogging fab-base so that you can seriously rationalize why you don’t ever need to leave the house again…you start talking a bit funny. Instead of saying u-r-l…you refer to it as simply ‘erl’. And I’m going to continue to be honest. Few things provoke so much ire in society as someone who turns a nerdy acronym into a word. It’s an acronym, not a word you douche! Between people who say “erl” and programmers who pronounce char (an abbreviation for character) as “chär” (with the “ch” pronounced like in “chart”), I get so pissed that I just want to saw my arms off. Go out into the sunlight. Lift up your windowshades. Move out of your cousin’s basement and take up a cause as opposed to preaching about it.

    And that, is why I refuse to start a blog. But will highly consider being a guest blogger whenever needed. Peace, Love, and Empathy. Love from up above. Jehova.


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