Five Easy Ways to Turn Your Man On.

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Are you sick and tired of magazines like Cosmopolitan promising to show women what men crave in bed? Are you at the point where the mere sight of a magazine cover claiming to know men’s deepest, darkest desires makes you want to kick a passerby? Well I am! Generations of women have been fooled into believing that the key to finding a life partner lies between the covers of a glossy magazine. These rags make readers think that finding a partner for life is as easy as getting men to go to bed with them, but it’s all nothing more than a marketing gimmick that lets them to sell their trash to thousands of unsuspecting women. I, for one, can no longer sit idly by while this travesty continues.

Every issue of Cosmoand other magazines of that ilk—claims on the cover that it can show women how to drive their men wild in bed. Or how to turn them on. But it’s all a load of baloney. First of all, these articles are clearly not having the desired effect of turning men into drooling sex addicts who worship the very ground on which Cosmo readers walk. If they were, fewer and fewer women would, after having landed the man of their choice, need to buy this garbage, resulting in the ultimate—and long overdue—collapse of this particular branch of the publishing industry. Since Cosmo continues to roll out a new issue every week, I can only assume business is good.

Ladies, don’t waste any more of your money on Cosmo or any other publication that promises to show you how turn your man on. While it is indeed very easy to get your man—or any man for that matter—hot for you, generations of Cosmo writers don’t seem to know how to. You want to know how to turn your man on? Forget Cosmo’s 20 “Sexifiers!” I can give you five easy ways to turn your man on? Ready? Here you go:

  1. Take
  2. Your
  3. F*cking
  4. Clothes
  5. Off!!!!!!!!!

There you have it! It’s bloody simple! If you want your man to spring a boner for you, get out of those f*cking clothes. Don’t go wasting your money on Cosmo? All that “literature” you devour about lingerie and massage and oils and candles is nothing more than a steaming heap of bull manure. Men don’t care that you maxed out your credit card at Victoria’s Secret, or that you spent the past three hours soaking in a tub full of honey-milk-vanilla-soybean bubble bath! When it comes to sex, only the actual act of intercourse excites a man more than the sight of the naked woman with whom he’s about to have sex. In fact, men get excited just seeing any woman naked. Why do you think the average man—over the course of his life—will spend the equivalent of Botswana’s GDP at strip clubs? Because naked women are hot, that’s why! So ladies, the faster you get out of your clothes, the faster your man will be turned on. Now I know you’re thinking, “What if he thinks I’m a slut?” I say, “Good for you!” Why? Because men love women who love to have sex, especially with them. They love them so much they’re willing to pay women to pretend to be sexually interested in them. This is what keeps prostitution alive. At the end of the day, nothing makes a man happier than a woman who is willing to engage in sexual intimacy with him. With the possible exception of the sight of said woman without her clothes, of course.

Now, once you’ve driven him wild with the sight of you naked, you must make sure to keep him coming back for more. How do you do this? Simple. By being a total freak in the sack. I know Cosmo authors claim to have 101 ways to make your man think you’re a wild woman in bed but trust me, they’ve got nothing on the internet. If you want to know what your man wants—nay, yearns for—in bed, check out some internet porn. Don’t worry, internet porn is very easy to find. In fact, it’s the easiest thing to find on the internet. It doesn’t matter what you’re looking for, you will always end up at a porn site. Spend a couple of hours a day looking at online porn and pretty soon, you’ll be rocking your man’s world. And the best part is, internet porn is free. No need to spend the equivalent of a day’s lunch every week on some silly magazine.

“But,” I hear some of you doubters ask, “What if I don’t have a perfect body?” Well, I’ve got good news for you. Most men don’t have perfect bodies either. Your man doesn’t have a perfect body but it’s not keeping you from wanting to drive him wild in bed. And you know what? Your imperfect body won’t keep him from wanting you to drive him wild in bed. Why? Because, as I’ve already stated, men are seldom happier than when someone wants to have sex with them. It doesn’t matter who it is or how they look. Even the slightest hint of sexual interest from a woman is enough to preoccupy a guy’s mind for days. Sure, most guys think they can go out and have sex with someone really fit but, at the end of the day, most of them are too lazy to bother and too insecure to try. Like toads, they tend to sit around hoping a tasty fly will come within range of their tongues. Trust me on this one.

By now, I’m sure you’re wondering how I can be so sure of what I’ve just written. It’s quite simple, really. Ladies, if what you want is a guy to be hot for you, there’s no need for fancy magazines. It’s a pretty simple process. Higher brain functions like reading—which I presume even Cosmo readers possess—are regulated by the larger, newer and more sophisticated part of the human brain, the Cerebral Cortex. Sex, on the other hand, is a pretty basic function for humans. It is regulated by the limbic system, also known as the “primitive brain.” This is the part of the brain that regulates such functions as sleeping, breathing, and blinking. It’s the oldest and most primitive part of the brain, and it is also the part of the brain we share with reptiles and other animals that have—without any help from Cosmo—been doing “it” for millions of years. A heterosexual man can no more resist getting wood at the sight of a naked woman than he can keep from blinking.

At the end of the day, I suspect getting a man into bed isn’t so hard for women that Cosmo has to devote part of every issue to this topic. And, I’m certain that’s not what Cosmo readers are really after. The majority, I suspect, are hoping to find a nice, handsome, well-educated, emotionally and financially stable guy to raise a family and grow old with. The trouble is, magazines like Cosmo trick their readers into thinking that getting a man to be sexually interested is the same as getting him to commit to a lifetime together. It’s not, and you don’t need a Cerebrum to know that. Sex is a basic, primal impulse in humans—as it is in all animals—whereas commitment, raising families, and growing old together are learned behaviors reinforced through social convention.

Ladies, next time you’re interested in getting a guy into bed, appeal to his primitive brain and take your clothes off. Getting him to marry you, though, will be a little more complicated.

Ignorance Loves Company: Miss Teen South Carolina Knows Little but She’s Not Alone.

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During last week’s Miss Teen USA pageant, eighteen-year-old Lauren Caitlin Upton—now better-known as Miss Teen South Carolina—fumbled her way into infamy with a rambling, disjointed, and generally appalling response to a simple question, demonstrating to me that she is neither well-informed nor well-educated. But Caitlin Upton is merely a symptom of a larger problem.

That larger problem, my friends, is that Caitlin lives in a country where knowledge—especially the kind that may be acquired through schooling—is not valued. That’s why the most popular kids in school are never the top students. That’s why the smart kids get picked on. That’s why millions of people who can’t name the capital of Burundi flock to their TVs to watch beauty pageants instead of the international news. And that’s why, as a nation, Americans are woefully deficient in their knowledge of the outside world. Only 21 percent of Americans follow international news closely, while 65 percent admit they lack the background to follow overseas news. Ignorance is part of the American way of life and people like Caitlin Upton merely serve to illustrate this.

Basically, Caitlin’s ignorant because she can get away with it. How else could she have reached the age of 18 without having acquired sufficient English or logic or rhetoric or whatever other foundational skills one needs to answer a question as simple as the one she was asked? Clearly, she’s never had to! She’s pretty, she’s blonde, and that’s enough to have gotten her this far. Her inability to think or articulate opinions is irrelevant to her day-to-day life. As the Young Turks point out, Caitlin took fourth place in the pageant, despite her moronic response!!! Obviously, the message is that nobody cares that this woman is an idiot, as long as she’s pretty. Millions of Americans are getting that message loud and clear.

Caitlin is not unique. She’s not a bad apple or an anomaly or a black sheep. On the contrary, she’s a typical American teenager. Even worse, she’s an archetypal American teenager. She is the American teenager that millions of other American teenagers aspire to be like. And our values do little to help. Beauty pageants are elegant, elaborate affairs that showcase beautiful people wearing exotic costumes. Geography bees, on the other hand, are far less glamorous and receive far less publicity. How many high schoolers would rather win a geography bee than be Miss Teen USA?

Popular culture provides even more prosaic examples. Take country music legend Alan Jackson, for example, who proudly proclaims in a hit song that:

I’m just a singer of simple songs.
I’m not a real political man.
I watch CNN, but I’m not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran.

But country singers are by no means the only Americans who revel in knowing nothing about the outside world. The system is rotten from the top down, and even political figures go out of their way to prove how provincial they are. How many of our political figures can speak a language other than English? How many of them have lived or traveled abroad? In fact, to have done so is considered a political liability. Remember Sen. John Kerry, who challenged George Bush for the presidency in 2004? He caught flack for having lived in Europe, for being a Europhile, and for “looking French.”

Our ignorance of the outside world is not only a part of our way of life, it is an essential component of our very understanding of how we live. Ignorance allows Americans to believe that the US healthcare system is the best in the world, despite studies that rank it far behind those found in other countries. If the majority of Americans don’t even know the names of other countries or where on the map to find them, how can they be expected to know about social and economic systems in those countries? This same ignorance allows us to defend our petroleum-based economy while the rest of the industrialized world is exploring clean and renewable energy alternatives.

Most seriously, this ignorance enabled the Bush administration to successfully conflate Osama bin-Laden’s Al-Qaeda network with all Muslims and all Arabs. Only ignorant people could have been led to believe that a secular Ba’athist like Saddam Hussein would ever collaborate with a theocratic zealot like Osama bin-Laden. Yet this is precisely the argument put forward by the Bush Administration as a pretext for invading Iraq, and the majority of Americans—knowing next to nothing about the Arab and Islamic worlds—swallowed it hook, line, and sinker. Today, the people of Iraq are paying the price for our ignorance and gullibility.

In Caitlin’s case, the worst consequence of her ignorance was humiliation. For millions of other people the world over, the consequences of Americans’ ignorance may be far more dire.

Deja-Vu: Another Gay Sex Scandal Hits Republicans.

Another rabid homophobe in the GOP has pleaded guilty to indecent conduct in a public men’s bathroom.

Three-term Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho was arrested on June 11 in a men’s bathroom at the Minneapolis airport after allegedly using coded signs to solicit an undercover male officer, who was in an adjoining stall. Craig apparently tapped his foot in a certain way, which the undercover officer recognized as a coded indication of interest in sexual activity.

Craig, who has consistently run on a “family values” platform and spoken out against the “homosexual agenda” was sentenced to a $500 fine and one year’s probation.

I’d go on and on but it’s easier to just link back to an earlier posting.

New Radio Show: August 13, 2007

So today, I decided to only play female musicians. It felt like male musicians have been dominating the show lately.

I recently got my hands on a couple of Les Nubians CDs, from whence comes the “Brothers & Sisters track.” I’ve also got a couple of tracks in there by local musicians: DC’s own Princess of Controversy (“A Soldiette’s Story”) and Wayna (“Secret Identity”).

As usual, you can listen to the show online or download it to an mp3 player and listen later.

Click here to see the playlist.

Listen to the previous show here.

Plans for World Domination Well Under Way!!

My plans for dominating the world are finally beginning to take shape!

Just kidding, of course. I don’t even have plans to dominate my bedroom, let alone the world.

I am dominating Google’s internet search engine, though. My name is, at least. Type in “Abdul K. Kargbo” and the majority of hits will be links to my blog.

Finally! This whole blog thing is beginning to pay off!! It’s only a matter of time now before hot women start lining up at my door.

Republicans Gone Wild!! or, Why is the Republican Party Home to So Many Sexual Deviants?

I have a theory.

I believe that many (if not most) male right-wing politicians are hypocrites. They rail against homesexuality and infidelity while, at the same time, they fight the urge to give in to their “immoral” or “indecent” desires. And, as recent sex scandals prove, they don’t always win.

Take, for example, the cases of abstinence-only campaigner Randall Tobias, gay-bashing reverend Ted Haggard, and family values champion Senator David Vitter? All these men publicly promoted such “family values” as marital fidelity, heterosexuality, and other manifestations of moral fortitude and Christian values. Yet Tobias and Vitter were both exposed as clients of the DC Madame, who ran an escort service specializing in sexual fantasy and roleplay. It turns out Ambassador Tobias likes to have sex with women who are not his wife while Senator Vitter enjoys being diapered by them. For his part, Reverend Haggard, a relentless anti-gay campaigner, was outed by a male prostitute who revealed that he had received money and oral sex from Haggard.

More recently, Florida State Representative Bob Allen (R-Merritt Island)—sponsor of legislation against “Lewd or Lascivous Exhibitionism,” “Sexual Solicitation,” and “Lewdness and Indecent Exposure”—was arrested in a public men’s restroom after offering to pay an undercover cop $20 for the pleasure of performing oral sex on him. To clarify, Allen offered the cop $20 if he (the cop) would let Allen fellate him. Allen later told a news conference that he was so intimidated by the cop (who was Black) that he offered to suck him off just so he could walk out of the public bathroom alive. At least Representative Allen is well-rounded in his bigotry.

But if these conservatives like to blow men and/or cheat on their wives, why can’t they just be honest about who they are? I mean, although they still face a lot of bigotry—most of it coming from people like Haggard and co.—millions of gay men and women live honest lives outside the closet. And while there is nothing commendable about marital infedility, many swinging and swapping couples manage to work out arrangements that work to the detriment of none. While I know Democrats and liberals cheat on their wives and engage in other “immoral” behavior as well, it seems like the conservative ranks—home to those who most vociferously denounce anyone who doesn’t conform to their idea of decency and morality—produce the most sexually deviant and hypocritical public figures.

As I see it, people like Allen, Haggard, Tobias, and Vitter affiliate themselves with the conservative party and adopt the most anti-gay and moralistic stances in an attempt to distance themselves from who they really are. I think they do it to avoid suspicion. After all, who would suspect a leading gay-basher like Haggard of wanting to suck another man off ? Who would suspect that a family-values politician like Vitter enjoyed cavorting with hookers while wearing diapers? Who would suspect that Randall Tobias, a champion of abstinence and fidelity, enjoyed paying for extramarital sex? By denouncing the people who openly do the things they themselves secretly do or would like to do, these conservative hypocrites hope nobody will ever question their moral fortitude or discover that they are not 100% morally upstanding.

And it usually works.

Not on me, though. By now, whenever I hear a conservative ranting and raving against homosexuals, I think to myself, “Somebody stick a c*ck in this dude’s mouth already so he’ll shut the f*ck up.”