Are you sick and tired of magazines like Cosmopolitan promising to show women what men crave in bed? Are you at the point where the mere sight of a magazine cover claiming to know men’s deepest, darkest desires makes you want to kick a passerby? Well I am! Generations of women have been fooled into believing that the key to finding a life partner lies between the covers of a glossy magazine. These rags make readers think that finding a partner for life is as easy as getting men to go to bed with them, but it’s all nothing more than a marketing gimmick that lets them to sell their trash to thousands of unsuspecting women. I, for one, can no longer sit idly by while this travesty continues.
Every issue of Cosmo—and other magazines of that ilk—claims on the cover that it can show women how to drive their men wild in bed. Or how to turn them on. But it’s all a load of baloney. First of all, these articles are clearly not having the desired effect of turning men into drooling sex addicts who worship the very ground on which Cosmo readers walk. If they were, fewer and fewer women would, after having landed the man of their choice, need to buy this garbage, resulting in the ultimate—and long overdue—collapse of this particular branch of the publishing industry. Since Cosmo continues to roll out a new issue every week, I can only assume business is good.
Ladies, don’t waste any more of your money on Cosmo or any other publication that promises to show you how turn your man on. While it is indeed very easy to get your man—or any man for that matter—hot for you, generations of Cosmo writers don’t seem to know how to. You want to know how to turn your man on? Forget Cosmo’s 20 “Sexifiers!” I can give you five easy ways to turn your man on? Ready? Here you go:
There you have it! It’s bloody simple! If you want your man to spring a boner for you, get out of those f*cking clothes. Don’t go wasting your money on Cosmo? All that “literature” you devour about lingerie and massage and oils and candles is nothing more than a steaming heap of bull manure. Men don’t care that you maxed out your credit card at Victoria’s Secret, or that you spent the past three hours soaking in a tub full of honey-milk-vanilla-soybean bubble bath! When it comes to sex, only the actual act of intercourse excites a man more than the sight of the naked woman with whom he’s about to have sex. In fact, men get excited just seeing any woman naked. Why do you think the average man—over the course of his life—will spend the equivalent of Botswana’s GDP at strip clubs? Because naked women are hot, that’s why! So ladies, the faster you get out of your clothes, the faster your man will be turned on. Now I know you’re thinking, “What if he thinks I’m a slut?” I say, “Good for you!” Why? Because men love women who love to have sex, especially with them. They love them so much they’re willing to pay women to pretend to be sexually interested in them. This is what keeps prostitution alive. At the end of the day, nothing makes a man happier than a woman who is willing to engage in sexual intimacy with him. With the possible exception of the sight of said woman without her clothes, of course.
Now, once you’ve driven him wild with the sight of you naked, you must make sure to keep him coming back for more. How do you do this? Simple. By being a total freak in the sack. I know Cosmo authors claim to have 101 ways to make your man think you’re a wild woman in bed but trust me, they’ve got nothing on the internet. If you want to know what your man wants—nay, yearns for—in bed, check out some internet porn. Don’t worry, internet porn is very easy to find. In fact, it’s the easiest thing to find on the internet. It doesn’t matter what you’re looking for, you will always end up at a porn site. Spend a couple of hours a day looking at online porn and pretty soon, you’ll be rocking your man’s world. And the best part is, internet porn is free. No need to spend the equivalent of a day’s lunch every week on some silly magazine.
“But,” I hear some of you doubters ask, “What if I don’t have a perfect body?” Well, I’ve got good news for you. Most men don’t have perfect bodies either. Your man doesn’t have a perfect body but it’s not keeping you from wanting to drive him wild in bed. And you know what? Your imperfect body won’t keep him from wanting you to drive him wild in bed. Why? Because, as I’ve already stated, men are seldom happier than when someone wants to have sex with them. It doesn’t matter who it is or how they look. Even the slightest hint of sexual interest from a woman is enough to preoccupy a guy’s mind for days. Sure, most guys think they can go out and have sex with someone really fit but, at the end of the day, most of them are too lazy to bother and too insecure to try. Like toads, they tend to sit around hoping a tasty fly will come within range of their tongues. Trust me on this one.
By now, I’m sure you’re wondering how I can be so sure of what I’ve just written. It’s quite simple, really. Ladies, if what you want is a guy to be hot for you, there’s no need for fancy magazines. It’s a pretty simple process. Higher brain functions like reading—which I presume even Cosmo readers possess—are regulated by the larger, newer and more sophisticated part of the human brain, the Cerebral Cortex. Sex, on the other hand, is a pretty basic function for humans. It is regulated by the limbic system, also known as the “primitive brain.” This is the part of the brain that regulates such functions as sleeping, breathing, and blinking. It’s the oldest and most primitive part of the brain, and it is also the part of the brain we share with reptiles and other animals that have—without any help from Cosmo—been doing “it” for millions of years. A heterosexual man can no more resist getting wood at the sight of a naked woman than he can keep from blinking.
At the end of the day, I suspect getting a man into bed isn’t so hard for women that Cosmo has to devote part of every issue to this topic. And, I’m certain that’s not what Cosmo readers are really after. The majority, I suspect, are hoping to find a nice, handsome, well-educated, emotionally and financially stable guy to raise a family and grow old with. The trouble is, magazines like Cosmo trick their readers into thinking that getting a man to be sexually interested is the same as getting him to commit to a lifetime together. It’s not, and you don’t need a Cerebrum to know that. Sex is a basic, primal impulse in humans—as it is in all animals—whereas commitment, raising families, and growing old together are learned behaviors reinforced through social convention.
Ladies, next time you’re interested in getting a guy into bed, appeal to his primitive brain and take your clothes off. Getting him to marry you, though, will be a little more complicated.