On Saturday, I had brunch with my cousin, his wife, and her sister. At one point, the conversation turned to old men who go after young women. Naturally, we ended up talking about all the different ways in which old men are “gross.” My cousin, ever optimistic in matters of medical science said, “You can get a scrotum tuck nowadays, you know.” Baffled, I eloquently replied, “Whoa!! Back up!! What’s a scrotum tuck?”
By the time my cousin was done answering my question, I had a brand new age-related worry. To back hair, beer bellies, erectile dysfunction, hearing loss, hair loss, diabetes, cancer, and heart disease, I can now add scrotal sag. Yes, you heard right. Scrotal sag! Apparently, as a man gets older, his scrotum sags and hangs lower and lower. Even worse, women are profoundly turned off by a sagging scrotum!
Man, life is so unfair! I’m a decent guy! I go to work, pay my taxes, occasionally give money to the homeless. And what do I get in return?! The promise that my testicles will end up dangling between my knees, that’s what! Looks like I’ll have to put my long-abandoned tighty-whities back in circulation, if only to delay the ultimate outcome of the cruel plot gravity and age have hatched to wreak havoc on my nether regions.
I’ll also have to add another instrument to my morning ritual. The scale, razor, and multiple mirrors have long been part of my overall strategy for observing and documenting the ravages of time on my body. To these age-old staples I’m going to have to add a tape measure.
I should probably start setting some cash aside for that scrotum tuck.