Virginity for Sale

Well well well . . . It was only a matter of time!

Last summer, I blogged about a case in France in which a young engineer had divorced his new wife because she was not a virgin on their wedding night. How did he find out? She failed to bleed properly from her vagina when they consumated their marriage on that auspicious night.

The case brought up all kinds of issues dealing with religion, sexual and reproductive freedom, and gender roles—particularly within some Muslim communities in which virginity is a prequisite for women’s marriageability. The case also brought up the issue of hymen reconstruction surgery, a procedure that restores the hymen and essentially gives women their virginity back, thereby allowing them a degree of sexual freedom without the risk of being stigmatized as unworthy of marriage.

A Chinese company, it seems, went one step further. Bypassing the surgical option, Gigimo offers an “artificial hymen,” designed to be inserted into the vagina prior to intercourse. According to the Huffington Post, the product “leaks a blood-like substance when . . . broken.” On Gigimo’s Web site, the artificial hymen is described as easy to use, non-toxic, painless, and hypo-allergenic—although a 2008 piece in Salon called attention to potential side effects.

At first blush, the artificial hymen might seem like a win-win situation for everyone. Husbands would be able to present a bloody sheet to their guests on the night of the wedding; women would be able to enjoy premarital sexual freedom without having to worry about a wedding-night divorce; and families would be assured that they had chosen good spouses for their children (IBN Live reported back in 2008 that Muslim women in Britain were already using the product to “fake their virginity”). Alas! Nothing is ever so rosy in the world of sex and marriage. Although having been around for a while, the artificial hymen is now making international headlines because conservative Egyptian lawmakers are seeking to ban its importation and sale in their country.

This case can be seen as an illustration of the ongoing tensions between tradition vs. modernity, men vs. women, religion vs. secularity, and the impact of science and technology on them all. Take, for instance, the role of culture: culture creates a need—in this case for virgin wives—which demands that women’s hymens be intact on their wedding nights. On the other hand, how does culture address those women who choose to exercise the right to decide when, with whom, and under what circumstances to have sex? Similar questions could be raised about the relationship between religiously mandated women’s roles and the expectations of—to say nothing of the demands on—modern women. In other words, how do traditional sexual and reproductive values play out in a modern society in which women may find them outdated and overly restrictive?

This line of argument, however, misses the point. The sad reality is that many, many women in Egypt and elsewhere do not have much—if any—say about when, where, how, and with whom they lose their virginity. This latter group has to answer twice: the first time for the actual loss of their virginity; the second time when they get married. Whether in the form of a reconstructed hymen or an artificial one, technology could have been a saving grace that spared these women the stigma of having lost their virginity before marriage and thus being rendered unfit to marry. In other words, the artificial hymen—while not restoring to these women the dignity they may have lost along with their virginity—might have given them a chance to leave the past behind (assuming, of course, they had any say in whom they married).

But alas! There are too many ifs and if-onlys when it comes to questions of sex and what women do with their bodies. Besides, the artificial hymen would have, at best, been of use to only the minority of women who could afford its $30 price tag. If the ban goes into effect, however, even they will have to do without its salvation. Instead, they will have no choice but to live with the consequences of decisions they made ages ago or—even worse—spend the rest of their lives having to answer for events over which they may have had no control.

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This Sh*t Makes Me So Mad!!!

Assiya Rafiq, right, in front of her mother, Iqbal Mai. (Nicholas D. Kristof/The New York Times)

After being kidnapped at the age of 16 by a group of thugs and enduring a year of rapes and beatings, Assiya Rafiq was delivered to the police and thought her problems were over.

Then, she said, four police officers took turns raping her.

The next step for Assiya was obvious: She should commit suicide. That’s the customary escape in rural Pakistan for a raped woman, as the only way to cleanse the disgrace to her entire family.

Instead, Assiya summoned the unimaginable courage to go public and fight back. She is seeking to prosecute both her kidnappers and the police, despite threats against her and her younger sisters. This is a kid who left me awed and biting my lip; this isn’t a tale of victimization but of valor, empowerment and uncommon heroism.

“I decided to prosecute because I don’t want the same thing to happen to anybody else,” she said firmly.

Read the full story here.

How come it’s the victim who has to bear the shame, has to suffer ostracism from her family and community, who has to commit suicide? Why aren’t the men who kidnapped, beat , sold, and raped her the ones who have to bear the shame?

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Gang Rape/Murder Trials May Strike a Blow for Women’s Rights in South Africa.

A little over a year ago, the body of 31-year-old Eudy Simelane was found in a park near her home on the outskirts of Johannesburg, South Africa. She had been gang raped and stabbed 25 times. Eudy was a sportscaster and a former midfielder on the South African national women’s football team. She was also a lesbian.

In a country where rape and violence against women is endemic, Eudy is one among countless victims. A recently published survey found that one quarter of South African men admitted to having committed rape. Further compounding the problem, the One in Nine Campaign, which takes its name from the grim statistic that only one in nine victims comes forward, maintains that rape is grossly underreported. This is no surprise considering that in South Africa, as elsewhere, women who are raped often find themselves blamed for it. For example, in a recent high-profile rape trial, the current president defended himself with the old she-made-me-do-it line, arguing (among other things) that the victim had provoked the sexual encounter by wearing a kanga—a traditional wrap-around garment—while she was a guest at his house. Unlike the president, however, most South African rapists are never tried for their crimes.

But Eudy Simelane’s case is somewhat different from the others. She was well-known, so the trial of the men accused of raping and killing her is bringing a lot of needed attention to South Africa’s rape crisis, especially to the targeted rape of lesbians. Dubbed “corrective rape,” The Guardian describes it as a practice wherein men—or gangs of men—rape lesbians in the belief that after sex with them, a lesbian will “become a girl.”

Earlier this year, one man accused of playing a role in Eudy Simelane’s death pled guilty to robbery and murder, but not rape. Today, the remaining suspects go to trial. Womens’ and gay rights activists are organizing around the trials—as well as around two other cases of “corrective rape”—hoping to push the government to take stronger action against rape, sexual violence, homophobia, and other hate crimes.

The convictions and sentences handed down in these cases ought to send a strong message that rape is wrong and go a long way towards improving life for lesbians—and other women—in South Africa. After all, it was the first country in the world to constitutionally guarantee gay rights, and the outcome of these cases will show whether, and to what extent, the South African government is committed to the ideals enshrined in the post-Apartheid constitution.

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Justice for LaVena Johnson.

Private LaVena Johnson was killed in Iraq just eight weeks after she arrived. The Army ruled her death a suicide but evidence of physical trauma to her body led her family to call for further investigations of rape and murder.

In high school, LaVena Johnson was an honor student, a violinist, and a volunteer in her community. After graduating, she decided to put off college and enlist in the army, where she was assigned to be the weapons supply manager of the 129th Corps Support Battalion and deployed to Iraq. On July 19, 2005, just eight weeks after her arrival in Iraq, Private LaVena Johnson was killed. She was eight days away from her 20th birthday.

The Army initially told LaVena’s parents that she had “died of self-inflicted, non-combat injuries.” In other words, her death was accidental. However, after further investigation, the Army decided her death was a suicide. But her parents were not convinced. First off, her company commander described her as happy and emotionally and physically healthy. A phone conversation with LaVena the day before she was killed had given her mother, Linda Johnson, no inkling that she was unhappy, let alone suicidal. LaVena’s father, Dr. John Johnson, was even more troubled by the evidence of physical trauma to his daughter’s body, which he got from Army records and autopsy reports. LaVena’s face was battered; her nose was broken; she had two loose teeth; her lip was so badly cut it had to be sewn back together; her vagina had been burned with lye; and there was evidence that somebody had attempted to set her body on fire. None of this physical trauma was mentioned in the autopsy report.

LaVena’s parents cited other problems with the official version of their daughter’s death. For example, the bullet wound that was ruled as the cause of her death was on the left side of her head, even though LaVena was right-handed. The Army also reported that the wound was caused by a shot from her M-16 rifle, but her parents say it’s unlikely that Lavena, who was 5’1″ tall, could have shot herself with a 40-inch rifle. And, based on gunpowder residue tests conducted by a military laboratory, it is doubtful if LaVena even handled the weapon. Finally, according to photos obtained by Dr. Johnson of the crime scene, there was a trail of blood leading away from the contractor’s tent in which LaVena’s body was discovered, and there was a cot or stretcher between her body and the M-16 rifle that reportedly caused her death.

The Johnsons believe their daughter was raped and then murdered in an attempt to cover up the rape. Whoever broke LaVena’s nose, busted her lip, shot her in the head, poured lye into her vagina, and tried to set her body on fire is still on the loose. The Johnsons have been trying to reopen the investigation into their daughter’s death and, after some initial obstacles, there’s finally some movement in their case. They’ve received help from veterans, journalists, and even a former diplomat. KMOV, a local Missouri TV station was the first major media outlet to cover the story. Since then, the Johnsons have also spoken to and received support from some Congressional representatives.

What makes this already horrible case even worse is that LaVena’s story does not appear to be a unique or isolated incident. Moue Magazine quotes a New Zealand Herald article stating that women soldiers in Iraq are often the victims of sexual violence, and Anne Wright—who’s also supporting the Johnson family—reports that “one in three women who join the US military will be sexually assaulted or raped by men in the military.”

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Ability is not Obligation: Being Able to Get Pregnant Does not Mean You Ought to

Teen pregnancy has been in the news a lot lately, it seems. First there was Juno, the oscar-winning movie about a pregnant teenage girl. Then 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears—younger sister of pop star/basketcase Brittany Spears—made waves when news broke of her out-of-wedlock bun in the oven. And on Friday, just one day after Jamie Lynn Spears had her baby, news came out that 17 pregnant teenagers in Gloucester, Massachusetts—all students at the same high school—had made a pact to get pregnant and have their children together. The pact was discovered after staff at the school clinic noticed an increase in the number of girls coming in for pregnancy tests and reported that some girls seemed disappointed when their tests came up negative.

So what is one to make of this case? Naturally, there’s the obligatory gaggle of Hollywood blamers, who say movies like Juno and Knocked Up trivialize pregnancy and make it seem like a frivolous, fun matter. These same people also blame the gossip mags for inappropriately and disproportionately glamorizing celebrity pregnacies, adoptions, and childbirths. This is to be expected since America has a tendency to seek easy scapegoats, with Hollywood and mass media being convenient and longstanding bêtes-noires. Let’s not forget that Marilyn Manson was blamed for the Columbine shootings and hip-hop has been blamed for everything from carjacking to drug use?

But I think there’s more at play here than the pop culture–haters are willing to delve into. No doubt, the decision to get pregnant shows these girls to be immature and emotionally underdeveloped, precisely the point made by Amanda Ireland, herself a teen mom and graduate of Gloucester High School: “They’re so excited to finally have someone to love them unconditionally. I try to explain it’s hard to feel loved when an infant is screaming to be fed at 3 a.m.” So it’s telling, and sad, that amidst the uproar of righteous indignation over this case, a teenage mom’s analysis is the most insightful and comes closest to addressing the deeper issues—low self-worth and a desire for affirmation—that may be at work here.

So, rather than blame the media, let’s look elsewhere; specifically, where these girls are from. Now, I’ve never been to Gloucester, Massachusetts, but from what I’ve read, it’s an economically depressed community with a majority Catholic population. I can’t speculate on these girls’ domestic situations but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that girls from stable, nurturing, and affirming environments do not choose to get pregnant before they are 16. I would be interested in hearing about how these girls felt about their lives, their futures, and their odds of getting out of their economically depressed communities, going to college, and getting a real shot at personal and professional success. In other words, I wish the conversation were focused more on the choices open to teenage girls in economically depressed communities with few avenues for escape.

Having never been to Gloucester, I can only speculate, which I’m fully prepared to do since I’m also a gambling man. I wager that these girls were not raised in homes or communities in which they were taught to value themselves or to make decisions that would benefit them in the future. I wager that these girls never saw themselves as college graduates or professionals. And I would wager that these girls considered pregnancy and motherhood to be worthy accomplishments that would win them attention and admiration. After all, these girls are, like all people, rational beings and—despite showing terrible judgement—we can only assume that some thinking must have taken place. Moreover, these girls were definitely not the first teenagers in their school or community to get pregnant. What is unusual is that they got together, talked about why they wanted to all be pregnant at the same time, and then went out and did it. And did it they did—one of the 17 was supposedly impregnated by a 24-year-old homeless guy! That shows determination and planning, and those are rational thought processes.

So, almost half a century after the social revolutions of the 1960s, it seems many American girls are still living beyond the reach of women’s liberation, the movement that declared that women were more than mere vessels for children and could, in fact, become anything they wanted to be. Somewhere along the way, American society failed to teach these 17 girls from Gloucester, Massachusetts that teen pregnancy and motherhood are not the only options open to them, just as it fails to deliver that message to thousands of girls all around the country. It is clear, though, that another message reached these girls. They saw teen pregnancy and motherhood as worthy and worthwhile goals, and they set out in pursuit of them. With limited educational and economic opportunities and an increasingly ”pro-family” state, is it any surprise then that the US has the highest teen pregnancy rates of any industrialized country? Should anyone really be surprised to learn that teen pregnancy is once again rising after a 14-year decline?

It really is too bad that nobody is telling American girls that a college education, a profession, and financial independence are also worthy goals—goals that they deserve and are fully capable of achieving. And it’s even worse that nobody is doing anything to make college a more affordable and thus attainable goal for all American teenagers.

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UPDATE – To all the family-values people who blame sex education and contraception for teen pregnancy:

Pathways for Children CEO Sue Todd, whose organization runs the school’s on-site daycare center, told TIME on June 13 that its social worker had heard of the girls’ plan to get pregnant as early as last fall. She noted that some of the girls involved had been identified as being at risk of becoming a teen mother as early as sixth grade, when they began to request pregnancy tests in middle school. “What we’ve seen is the girls fit a certain profile,” Todd said. “They’re socially isolated, and they don’t have the support of their families.”

I seriously doubt these girls were getting sex education in sixth grade yet some of them were already exhibiting high-risk sexual behavior. Where’s the traditional family in this scenario?

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No Blood=No Marriage or, Some Gentlemen Prefer Virgins.

A couple of weeks ago, a court in Lille, France, annulled the marriage of a young engineer and a 20-year-old nursing student. The grounds for this annullment were not infidelity, violence, or even the ever-vague “irreconcilable differences.” Rather, the marriage was dissolved because on the couple’s wedding night in 2006, the groom had been unable to present a bloody sheet to the wedding guests who were partying downstairs. The groom, apparently troubled by his inability to produce a bloody sheet—proof of his bride’s virginity—went to court the next day and demanded an annullment. For her part, the new bride confessed to having had sex before the wedding—presumably with someone other than her future husband.

The court decision sparked outrage in France among secularists, who felt that religious beliefs should not be upheld by law, and feminists, who felt that the law should not be used to control a woman’s sexual behavior. I agree with both viewpoints. It seems that some men from some communities value the intactness of a woman’s hymen above all else, which is baffling to me. I mean, who would want to have sex with a virgin anyway? Sure, virginity has it’s place but sex is as important a part of the human experience as nutrition, literacy, or education. As far as I’m concerned, there would be no human species without sex and if sex is so essential to the very existence of our species, then it’s important enough to be done well. I can’t personally speak from experience on the issue of sex with virgins, but I can only imagine it’s not very good. Not the first few times anyway, if the anecdotes I’ve heard from my friends—male and female—are anything to go by. I imagine it would be akin to asking an illiterate person to read you a passage from The Merchant of Venice. Thoroughly unsatisfying.

But that’s just my opinion because apparently, some men—like this jerkhole engineer—don’t really care about the enjoyable side of sex. Not for the woman anyway. I mean, imagine going to bed with someone whose primary concern is to get some blood on the sheet so he can go show it to his wedding guests!! Nice!! And I guess he must not have been that into his new wife because he sent her back to her parents’ house and asked for a divorce the very next day. In fact, the whole story makes me wonder why he decided in the first place that this was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. His decision must have had everything to do with his assumption that her hymen was intact because, once the traditional test proved negative, he kicked her out.

Now, I’m not saying this woman was or was not a virgin on her wedding night. From what I’ve heard and read, plenty of women don’t bleed the first time they have sex. Different people are built differently and women who engage in some physical activities—like cycling, horseback riding, and running—have been known to bleed very little or not at all. But that’s neither here nor there, because a woman’s worth should not be measured against whether or not she chooses to have sex before marriage. I can think of lots of other variables besides virginity that would make or break the marriage deal. For example, is she nice? Does she give change to the homeless? How does she feel about the Holocaust? Does she vote Republican? (“Yes” is definitely a deal-breaker).

Thankfully, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and some women are finding ways to have their cake and eat it too. Commenting on the case, French philosopher and feminist Elisabeth Badinter, said, “The sexuality of women in France is a private and free matter. The annulment will just serve to send young Muslim girls running to hospitals to have their hymens restored.” It seems that Ms. Badinter’s prediction is coming true, according to a New York Times article on women who are having their hymens surgically restored. This makes perfect sense to me. The use of surgery by some women to make themselves more acceptable and desirable in accordance with social norms is nothing new, so in communities in which a premium is placed on virginity, it’s only natural that some women would resort to this procedure. The reality is that some men will continue to stupidly insist on women suppressing their sexuality so they can be virgins on their wedding nights. And the reality is also that some women—willingly or unwillingly—will end up marrying such men. But these two realities will inevitably produce a third reality, that some women might choose a middle ground in which they can experience sex before marriage and nonetheless present themselves as virgins on the night of their wedding.

At the end of the day, medical advances like contraception,  abortion, and now hymen reconstruction, have long enabled women to make important choices about how they live, who they have sex with, and when, how, and with whom to have children. So for the women who can afford to pay for hymen restoration surgery, I say more power to you. Someday we might live in a world where men don’t care about your sexual history but, until that day comes, you gotta do what you gotta do.

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In Côte d’Ivoire, the Ass of Your Dreams is Only as Far Away as the Nearest Market.

I’ve never been much of a gambler but when I do give in to temptation, I only make safe bets. It seems, however, that once-sure bets are no longer so. Just a few months ago, for example, one could safely have wagered that Cameroon would win the African Cup of Nations and that a Black man would never become a serious contender for the presidency of the United States. Similarly, before today, I would have confidently bet that a West African woman would never pay good money to make her rump bigger. Good thing I never had to make such a bet because, according to the BBC, I would have lost big. Thanks to a new dance craze in Côte d’Ivoire, it seems that some Ivorian women are now using chemical means to increase what their mamas gave them.

The glorification of the female posterior in popular culture is nothing new. Since 1978, when the English rock band Queen informed the world that fat-bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, much artistic talent has gone into lionizing women’s behinds, with the likes of 2 Live Crew and Sir Mix-a-Lot gaining national fame for their videos and lyrics on the subject. Rising to the demands of our butt-obsessed culture, many well-endowed female entertainers have successfully capitalized on their asse[t]s. J-Lo is almost as famous for her prominent (and reputedly insured) posterior as she is for her singing and acting, while Shakira, in addition to her genuine talents as a singer and songwriter, has achieved near-legendary status for her ability to gyrate her rear end. In some cases, a prominent posterior can even compensate for a total lack of artistic talent, as evidenced by Kim Kardashian, whose celebrity appears to rest solely on her prodigious—and allegedly surgically enhanced—backside.

I was therefore not surprised to learn that West Africa, the spiritual homeland of posterior worship, has contributed further to ass appreciation in the form of a new dance called the Bobaraba—which means “big bottom” in the Djoula language of Côte d’Ivoire. What is surprising is that some Ivorian women, apparently dissatisfied with the butts God gave them, are buying enhancements from local markets. These chemical enhancements go for the equivalent of $2.00 and are available as an injectable liquid and as a cream. Besides the fact that $2.00 could be spent on a host of more important things in Côte d’Ivoire, as anywhere, the treatments—whose active ingredient is identified as Vitamin B12—have not been endorsed by the Ministry of Health, and some local medical professionals have expressed skepticism about the safety or efficacy of the medication.

It’s sad that some people will seize any opportunity to capitalize on other people’s insecurities. It’s even sadder that exogenous beauty standards can so erode some women’s self-esteem that they would spend money on dubious and possibly risky beauty enhancements. After all, this is not the first time that artificial body enhancements have appeared on market stalls in that part of the world. For years, skin-lightening and hair-straightening treatments have been top sellers throughout West Africa, especially in francophone countries. Thankfully, some of the women interviewed for the BBC story are perfectly happy with their natural behinds. Which is great, because if Ivorian women are built anything like Sierra Leonean women, they’ve got nothing to worry about. Hopefully the bottom-enhancement fad will soon be a thing of the past.

With the way things are going, I calculate that it’s only a matter of time before someone invents a dance for men with huge bellies. After all, guys with prominent anteriors deserve the right to proudly jiggle something on the dance floor. Any day now.

In the meantime, I’ll keep “training” for that inevitable day. Phew! Is it time for another beer already?

Thanks to A for sending the link that inspired this post.

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Women Should be Appreciated, but not With Valentines

Hooray!!! Valentine’s Day is yet again upon us, and what better time to think about the women in our lives than February 14? That’s right!! Once a year, we gotta remember women and show how much we appreciate them. Too bad Valentine’s Day only recognizes women for their role as lovers and spouses.

On February 14, more than on any other day of the year, men go above and beyond the call of duty to show their appreciation for women. And I’m not talking about wolf-whistling and leering. I’m talking about thoughtful, sensitive attention—like chocolates, roses, lingerie, and romantic dinners. From flowers to jewelry to Victoria’s Secret thongs, the list of Valentine’s Day gifts is seemingly endless. And patriarchal. Patriarchal because it all revolves around a cheesy, sappy notion of womanhood that is completely disempowered, completely consumerist, and completely paternalistic. In other words, it’s a conservative and traditional view of womanhood.

That’s right, I said it!!! Valentine’s Day reinforces a traditional patriarchal view of gender roles and relations. Valentine’s Day glamorizes the woman not as a human being but as a sexual partner and as a wife. The whole point of Valentine’s Day is to celebrate the woman who is in some sort of arrangement with a man. The hearts, roses, chocolate, etc. are not merely tokens of male affection and attention. They are also status symbols, a woman’s proof of being spoken for. And woe betide the poor, unhappy woman who happens to be single on Valentine’s Day. A sadder and more pitiful creature has never walked the surface of this planet. The lucky majority that’s in some sort of relationship with a man will, however, be out on display, reaping the rewards of the very, very hard work that goes into being female . . . scratch that . . . the significant accomplishment of being in a relationship. Because let’s not kid ourselves, at the end of the day, Valentine’s Day is a celebration of women in relationships.

Not that there’s anything wrong with appreciating women for being lovers and wives. But women should be valued for much more than their success at entering and staying in romantic relationships. As such, Valentine’s Day is a day not for all women, just women who are not single. Which makes me wonder, is there even an affirmative adjective for such women? Something antonymous with “single” perhaps? I’ve never heard one. Probably because in a traditional worldview, being single is an anomalous state for women, which is why the single ones need to be qualified with an adjective like ”single.” On the other hand, a woman in a state of involvement with a man is the norm, which explains why we seldom hear qualifying adjectives used for such women. The assumption is that beyond a certain age, a woman isn’t—or shouldn’t be—single.

Today, as lucky un-single women dine with their significant others at tables for two with new jewelry adorning their fingers, wrists, necks, and earlobes, let’s take a moment to reflect on what this day really means. What does Valentine’s Day really value? Why does it focus on the relationship aspect of a woman’s life, not on the woman herself? What does it mean to be a woman on this day? More importantly, what does it mean to be a single woman on Valentine’s Day, or on any other day?

Ultimately, Valentine’s Day values women not for being women, but for being “good” women who have succeeded at finding a mate. Because I don’t think this should be the highest accomplishment in a woman’s life, I won’t say “Happy Valentine’s Day.” If we’re going to celebrate women, let’s celebrate all women, not just the ones who’ve proven that they can find—and potentially mate with—a man.

So here’s wishing you all a very, very early International Women’s Day.

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Nothing Says Lovin’ Like Kissin’ Your Cousin or, in this Case, Marryin’ Your Sister.

The Guardian reports on the case of a pair of twins who had been separated at birth and adopted by different families. The twins later met and fell in love with each other and got married. After discovering they were brother and sister, they had their marriage dissolved by the high court.

This reminds me of a case I heard about somewhere about long-lost siblings falling in love and getting married. It apparently happens a lot, even in cases in which the siblings know they are related. 

Talk about absence making the heart grow fonder.

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This is Not What the Bicycle Salespeople Meant When they Said, “You’re Going to Love this Bike.”

The BBC reports that a man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

“They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

“The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.”

Both cleaners, who were “extremely shocked”, told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: “In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a ‘cycle-sexualist’.”

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr.

I can’t even write anything witty or sarcastic about this story. I’m still in shock. Or is it befuddlement? Hard to say.

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