It’s not every day that one of my strongly held beliefs is proven right by science . . . actually, that’s not true. Just yesterday, science explained why curvaceous, voluptuous women are so hot. I never knew why this was but now, science has cleared up that little conundrum for me. Yay science! Now I can move on with my life.
But I digress.
Apparently, researchers have also discovered a link between materialism and self-esteem. That’s right. People who have low self-esteem tend to buy more stuff or, if they’re kids, want more stuff. These researchers studied a bunch of kids and discovered that as their self-esteem declines—usually around the start of adolescence—kids become more materialistic.
By the time children reach early adolescence, and experience a decline in self-esteem, the stage is set for the use of material possessions as a coping strategy for feelings of low self-worth.”
You can read the whole article here.
Eureka! As kids’ self-consciousness and insecurity increases, they become more interested in acquiring material things to help them feel better about themselves. This must explain why so many people are so desperate to have the newest pair of shoes or the trendiest mp3 player or the latest video game system? Personally, I’ve always been suspicious of anyone who always had to have the latest, greatest something or other. But you know, there is light at the end of the tunnel. In about 10 years, these kids will be old enough to no longer need to use material possessions to cope with feelings of low self-worth. Trust me, I speak from experience. I too used to rely on material things—clothes, shoes, cars, my gym membership—to make up for my insecurity. But not anymore. Not since I discovered alcohol. Or “liquid confidence,” as I like to call it.
Speaking of confidence, you know what? Life is SO unfair. Just think about all those kids who don’t need to wear the coolest clothes or have the latest iPod or cell phone. When I think about how these kids are mocked and jeered and taunted in school, it just makes my blood boil! After all, these are the confident kids, the ones who don’t need flashy things to compensate for their insecurities. THEY should be the cool and popular kids, NOT the ones with the latest and trendiest stuff. What kind of society do we live in? To all you nerds who might be reading this blog, next time some cool kid comes along and tries to show off how cool he/she is because he/she just got the new iPod mini or the latest Nikes, here’s what you should do. Tell them that you don’t need any fancy schmancy gadget or expensive footwear to make you feel good about yourself because you’re totally cool and awesome inside, and you know it. You can also tell them they’re adopted and that their parents don’t really love them. That’ll show ‘em!
But who cares anyway? I’m just happy that once again, science has vindicated me. For years, I’ve been saying that people who constantly need to buy new stuff are overcompensating for some deep-seated sense of inadequacy. And for years, I was ignored, mocked, or worse. I’ve also been saying lots of other stuff too, but no-one ever listens to me. Thank God for science though. It’s only a matter of time before the rest of my “conspiracy theories” and “crazy ideas” are proven to be true. Soon, we’ll see who’s crazy and who’s just plain stupid. That’s right, guy who sat next to me on the flight to California! You heard me! WHO’S CRAZY NOW??!!
While we’re at it, here are a some of my other “theories” for the scientific community to consider:
- The loudness of a motorcycle’s engine is inversely proportional to the size of the motorcyclist’s penis.
- Lobbyists are assholes.
- There is an inverse relationship between a shopper’s IQ and the amount of money he/she spends on designer shoes.
- Guys who drive expensive sports cars are soul-less (also, see point #2).
To the scientific community, I want to say, “There’s no need to thank me for these ideas.” Contributing to the advancement of science is all the thanks I need. And perhaps a motorcycle with a REALLY loud engine.
All in all, though, I have to say that going to the mall will never be the same again. I mean, who wants to spend that much time around a bunch of pathetic, insecure people?
Thanks to a certain someone who shall remain unnamed for passing this story on to me.